Yeah, in my mind that is what happened…..

Well, I did throw out the opening pitch at a Cleveland Indians game. That much is true.

There was much buzz and anticipation amongst the staff at the A Christmas Story House. I felt like I was the new kid at camp where all the older kids tell horror stories of the creature in the lake or about the camp counselor who went mad. “Yeah, one time Mariah Carey threw out the pitch and didn’t make it to the catcher and the whole crowded booed.

” Boo Mariah Carey? I’m dog meat. I mean, at least she could wear a painfully tight Indians jersey with overflowing cleavage to distract from her bad pitch, but what do I got?

When I told my friends and family about the fact that I, Ian “Unsporty” Petrella, and yes that is my given name, about being offered one of the holy of the holiest sport opportunities, they laughed. They laughed hard.

After the laughter subsided, then all of the advice started flooding in. “Always point the tip of your foot towards the plate. Practice in front of a mirror. Don‟t step on the foul line because that‟s bad luck.” Everyone had a tried and true way to pitch. Even my mom called me from California with advice. I was like, Mom, where did you hear that? She confidently responded, “I saw it in Field of Dreams, Ian and it worked”.

Ugh. This was going to be like gym class magnified, but the ridicule would not only come from the jocks, but from about 40,000 Indian fans.

Game day arrives. I walk out on the field and notice that they are pulling out the tarps as it begins to rain. Whew! I am saved! I thought, but not to blow my cover I think I said something like, “Oh man, I hope the rain clears up. I‟ve been looking forward to this!” I spoke too soon.

6:58 pm EST. The rain has stopped; the tarps were removed from the field. I’m escorted to the pitcher’s mound, with fresh new baseball in hand and an Indians cap on my head. I toss the ball up in the air a few times, just to exude a sense of false confidence. I’m hoping it at least looked legit to the crowd on the Jumbo Tron because I don’t think I’ve actually held a baseball in about 25 years.

The “I can‟t put my arms down” clip plays and quickly cuts to me on the mound. The sportscaster announces, “Here to throw out the first pitch is Ian Petrella who you may know as Randy Parker form ‘A Christmas Story’”.

So quickly I run through all the pitching tips in my head….especially from a heckler that told Ms. Carey, “Stick to those high pitches, Mariah!” I wind up in Major League fashion and make the pitch. . I swear as soon as I let go, I closed my eyes for a split second just until I heard the snap of the ball hitting the catcher’s glove. The pitch was good! The crowd cheered!

I leapt from the mound and ran towards Slider, the furry fuchsia Indians mascot and embraced in a hug of victory! I did it. There was no humiliation. No boos from the crowd. No future locker room ridicule from the guys in the gym. Thanks Mom, the advice worked.

“A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.”
-Earl Wilson, pitcher

I don’t know if I would go that far now. I admit this is pretty cool, but let’s not step on the Kings cape. Being the Rock and Roll fan that I am, plus I haven’t been to Graceland yet, I would still think The King’s palace has far more to see. After all, he is the King Baby.

Then again. I suppose that there could be certain parallels to the King’s life and this film. When I see all the costumes displayed in the museum section. Never had I thought that the snowsuit could be as infamous or as well known as one of the King’s fancy jump suits. Ralphie did have that fine Rhine Stone Cowboy Get-Up. There were two very pivotal moments that happened in the bathrooms, of both the film and Elvis’s life. The Old Man and Elvis both had issues with Hound Dogs. Randy ate like a pig, and the King had his own eating habits. Elvis had a very extensive gun collection, and Ralphie had, well… you get the point. Who knows. Maybe “A Christmas Story House” will become the next Grace Land. Nah! We’ll find our place in icon history, but it’s nice to be thought of in that light.

I’m just glad that all you good folks who have strolled through the house while I am attending residency here, are having a good time. That is key. Like I say each time I greet a new group. This film has earned its popularity through fan appreciation. I cannot express enough my gratitude for bringing me back here 27 years later. I’m sure when I get to Graceland, I’ll feel the same way you do. So on behalf of me, and in honor of the King…. Thank you, thank you very much.